I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
