I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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