My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
