filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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