So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
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I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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