Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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