I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
