Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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