can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
