No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We are all done wearing pants today
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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