I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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