please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
