I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
