I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
