i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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