so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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