I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
