Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
