Jerry, you need to find god
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
God I need to hump something, right now.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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