The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
This toilet bowl is my home.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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