sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
