end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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