I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
