A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We are all done wearing pants today
Drunk is not a location!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
