so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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