it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
