I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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