Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
