he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
As shirtless as possible
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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