Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
