i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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