VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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