I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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