I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
