I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
