I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
