on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
