Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
