she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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