Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
