I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
