i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
