HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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