Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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