Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Randomize
