i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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