You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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