he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
