just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
