He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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