Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
