I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
50% drunk capacity currently
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
