I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
