It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
